A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
no you cant smoke seaweed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
