After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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