Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
