the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
