Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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