Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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