The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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