you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
