kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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