I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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