my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize