you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize