And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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