Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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