someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
