There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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