Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Everyone says I win the strip club
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
