The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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