I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
