I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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