you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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