Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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