So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
