You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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