You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
