FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
