i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
