When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
