My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
