Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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