I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
