my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
