If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
