maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
