Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
