tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
