someone get that fucking seahorse.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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