this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
