It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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