if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
