pedialite and red bull = repair kit
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wear drunk well.
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