i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize