dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
