I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
