found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
