Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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