If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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