Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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