She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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