Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
