Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
