In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
