I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
