I wish I could teleport
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
