The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
