Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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