You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
